Prepping For BATTLE | EMILY KAPLAN, The CrossFit Book responds

Sevan Matossian (00:01):

Bam. We’re live. You don’t have to respond. You don’t have to respond. You don’t have to react damn wet hair day. You don’t have to. You do not have to respond. You do not have to react. There’s this thing that parents do, that people do around kids. It’s fucking absolutely nuts. It’s the sure telltale way to decide if you’re hanging around insects. The unconscious parents do it to each other all the time. No shit. My mic’s off. God damnit, my mic is off. You guys can’t hear me. Hold on. Let me react to that. So sloppy. Seb. So sloppy. I don’t even have my headphones on. What a fucking mess. How’s that? Better? How’s that? Better Bueno. Thank you, Augustus. When you say better is it perfect there. Beautiful. Thank you, Ms. Groom. Chocolate cake for Heidi. That’s what I always tell my kids. Chocolate cake. You are hanging out with some kid and you say to the kid,


Hey, is that your cat? And the parent answers, yeah, that’s his cat. And you look at the kid again and you’re like, what’s your cat’s name? And the parent answers again. And then you’re like, do you have any other pets? And the parent answers again, yo, we have a bird and a dog and a blah, blah, blah. And at that point you’re like, I fucking hate you, and I feel sorry for your fucking kid. You are the fucking worst parent ever. You’re just a fucking horrible human being. They’re not horrible, Debbie. They’re just unconscious. You’re just reacting. I know, I know. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me. Steering me to the land of positivity. I always know the days that I’m a little one step behind in the office. I bring stuff in here that’s not needed. I brought my wallet in here, by the way. It is the perfect wallet. I’ve never seen another perfect wallet besides this, but why did I bring my wallet into the studio? I never bring my wallet into the studio. You want to see what’s in here? A couple credit cards. Oh, there’s a business card in here. What the fuck is this? Garage to Fitness? Greg Sharp, CEO. I don’t know where this came from.


Swim card for the local swimming pool. When your baller like me, I bought like 300 passes on it just in advance. You know what I mean? Pay $7 every time I go in with my kids. Oh, card for the boardwalk, for rides and video games.


When people talk to me, when I walk up to the front of the line at the local hamburger place and the lady says to me, what would you like? I just look at my kid. I’m not getting anything. I just look at him and it just gets weird and it should get weird. My kid needs to learn a fucking lesson. Time to fucking speak up. When I come home and I walk in the door, I’m like, Hey kids, what’d you do today? My wife starts answering. I’m like, I didn’t ask you. You would never do that shit to an adult either. By the way, if every time someone asked my wife a question, I answered, she slapped the shit out of me that my wife’s not violent. She wouldn’t do that. My wife’s a horrible hitter. Anytime my wife has hit me right before it makes contact, she opens her hand and it turns into a slap fucking weak. I tell her she’s weak as shit. You want to see how much cash I have? Look at that. A hundred. I got a hundred. I got a 50. I got a 20 and four ones. That’s good walking money. 174 bucks.

Sevan Matossian (04:53):


Sevan Matossian (04:54):

Haley abuses you. It makes sense Now, I beg her to hit me. I beg her. If I ask you a question, I want to know the answer from you. Oh, triggered shit. Sorry, Heidi triggered, sorry. Little close to home. Sorry.


I had a hitter. I’ve had a few hitters. I had a girl when I lived in the motor home. I had a girl push me. There’s steep stairs. I know Jake Chapman’s going to love this one. A chick pushed me out of my motor home down the stairs. It’s like only two or three stairs, but they’re steep. And I fell out onto the sidewalk and you know when you’re so angry that you’re laughing like a complete fucking lunatic. I landed right before I hit. I turned to my back and I landed and I was just laughing like a lunatic. I was like, holy fuck. Am I going to jail now? She just pushed me down the stairs. I had this other chick one time fucking attacked me in the shower.


I was showering at my mom’s house. She came over and attacked me in the shower. I ended up bleeding from that one on my back, but I can’t remember exactly how the fuck did I end up bleeding. Maybe she, I don’t know. Haley’s never hit me. No violence in our, no, none of that shit. Heidi Krum. I’m not triggered yet, but I’m working on it. Alright, fine. 1.50, that’s the lowest triggered yet you guys know that. That’s the classic unconscious shit. You just don’t have to react when someone’s talking to your kid and you start responding for your kid. Shut the fuck up. Let your kid talk. If your wife is talking to your kids, shut the fuck up. If your husband’s talking to your kid, shut the fuck up. They’re just trying. There’s something so much deeper going on than the information that’s being communicated. What are you a fucking robot?


When the lady at the restaurant asks your kid how he wants his hamburger cooked, you don’t answer. And then when the kid says, I don’t know, you let them figure it out. You let the kid fucking use his tools to figure out what does that mean? How to have the hamburger cooked. You’re responding because you feel uncomfortable or you’re in some sort of rush. Stop it. Stop it. That’s why you never get the gold. That’s why you don’t have the good shit. You don’t have the fucking awesome, exciting, amazing life with tons of stories because you’re just forcing shit. You’re like a robot.


Let shit play out. Caved astro. If your kid doesn’t have 1 million in the bank, by the time you’re 11, you did something wrong. I bet you one of Blade’s greatest tools as a cop is just staying quiet and letting people fucking dig holes for themselves. Well, no officer, this isn’t my crack pipe. It’s my wife’s. Well, thank you. Missing tooth, man. I appreciate you, Kenneth. The lap, my kid is just as nonverbal. There would just be awkward silence. He had tons of, you know what, I used to do this thing in college where every month I wouldn’t talk for a day. It was so fucking crazy. People always thought I was on mushrooms. That was the go-to it was in a college town. Just walk right up to the fucking cafe and try to order a cup of coffee. Just point at shit on the menu and they’d be like, you want a latte? But really, I wanted a coffee and I would just be like, do it. You don’t have the willpower, the balls, the adventure, the attitude of the fortitude or the constitution for adventure to not talk for a day.


Oh my god, Jake Chapman just said the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. You are so odd. That is so cool. I’m going to savor that. Emily Kaplan’s coming on today. Some of the topics we’ll be talking about are Dave’s weekend review, licensure bill, and of course, broken science stuff, including the new website. Dude, the Roman thing’s fascinating, isn’t it? There’s this crazy rumor that is surfacing that if it’s true, it is going to be so funny. It is going to have so much meat on the bone. Listen, and for all the people, for all you people in these camps where there’s these ker shuffles like Sealy or Charlesworth or what’s Roman’s super hot translator agent’s name. Now we’re finding out. It might be her agent, his agent Rosa or this thing. Lauren Khalil and Andrew Hiller. Andrew Hiller. Oh, Neely. Thank you Neely. You guys are so fucking crazy. If you think anyone, you’re getting your panties in a twist. Someone wrote on Andrew Hiller’s post that he’s bullying Lauren Khalil, listen, if you make a post where you’re pouring powder on yourself, you clearly have a good sense of humor. It’s just ridiculous, right? It’s like Red Bull gives you wings. Imagine if someone attacked Red Bull and they’re like, there’s no

Sevan Matossian (11:28):

Fucking way it gives you ring wings. You

Sevan Matossian (11:30):

Fucking idiot. That’s horrible. They’d be like, oh yeah, yeah, okay, okay, settle down. Someone. Get a straight jacket for that guy. How the fuck does anyone think that Andrew having fun with Lauren pouring powder out on herself is bullying. Lemme tell you what I do if I’m at podium, but I’m a world-class marketer. I ain’t no fucking chump. I would fucking immediately, Lauren, make another video challenging Andrew. I would send Andrew some podium and challenge him to fucking dry scoop on. If I had her. I’d be like, I ain’t fucking dry scooping that. You’re right. I’ve never done that shit.


How the fuck does someone saying that she could be offended by that? My goodness, my goodness. We’re just going to ignore them. I don’t want to be bullied the best thing that ever happened to fucking Lauren Khalil’s account. And by the way, I don’t know Lauren’s take on it. Maybe she is totally cool with it. Maybe she’s having fun with it too. But you idiots who’s saying that Andrew’s bullying, and what’s probably crazy is there’s probably a whole crowd of people around Lauren, I’m guessing, who are telling her she should be offended. Bullying. It’s like, no, Lauren, you are not being bullied. You’re having fun. Listen, if you think that’s bullying, you should see inside the Illuminati, we fucking ass pound each other. We got a gay dude in there. What’s his name? Taylor Self. He fucking gets destroyed. Imagine being the only gay dude in a group of just fucking dorks just looking to abuse someone. Bullying. Yeah, bullying. It’s Armenian word. There it is. Bullying. B-O-O-L-Y-I-A-N. Bullying. Lauren is pretty cool. Okay. Yeah. So maybe she doesn’t give a shit. Maybe she’s having fun with it.


What would be bullying? What would be bullying if Andrew would’ve said, holy shit, Lauren. Is that the way you put on your makeup too? It’s funny. It’s funny. But actually that wouldn’t be bullying. That would just be funny. Nevermind two gay guys in the Illuminati thread. Sorry. Two gay guys, Jr Howell offended. Oh wow. Gaylor Taylor. That’s good shit. The whole point of the post you guys is that she is being absurd by pouring powder on her. I dunno why. I’m telling you guys. You guys are all cool. You guys get it, but the demand, everyone just go over to that Andrew Hiller threat and tell that guy to go away. Just be like, Hey dude, stop demanding. She’d be bullied. She doesn’t think it’s bullying. She’s cool as shit. She’s in the entertainment space. She knows. It’s funny.


I don’t know what the metrics is, but I’m going to tell you this. It’s something like when she posted it, it got three to 5,000 views. When Andrew posted it, it got 20 to 40,000 views. Thank you, Andrew. Just send Andrew a check. Fucking reach out to him and tell him he should be sponsoring podium. Get him off that C four shit and someone get him a fucking podium sponsor. It’s fucking retard V. We live with retards, Mary Mansour, but people took the opportunity to be mean in the comments of the post, even if the post itself wasn’t mean. I see that’s true. Maybe there was. What do you mean? Like, Hey, that’s over the top, or that’s so cheesy or shit like that. That shit’s going to be everywhere. I’m just saying what she I hear you. I hear you. But what she should do, eat beaver blue. Looks good on you. Thanks. You know what’s crazy? So this is what it’s like working with me. I have been bitching. I have been bitching to Travis for three weeks now to get me this shirt, but this shirt has been sitting on my dining room table for four weeks. So not only did he get me this shirt, but he got it to me before I even started bitching the first time. And yet I just still kept bitching. It’s this one


And because I’m such a bitch, I’m going to take a bite of this chocolate dick right now on the air. No, I’m not. Thank you. Thank you Eden Beaver. My tag is out. Oh, thank you. Shit. That’s how you know someone cares. Take the whole thing in your mouth. Heidi Krum, please bite the dick. Sean Leman. Matt Burns deep throat. Not a taxidermy. I ain’t queer bait, but you look nice today. Blue. Oh, so something’s happening. So today in the shower, I look down and it’s the flattest. My stomach’s been in


God, I sound like a woman who uses those words flat stomach. It’s the flattest. My stomach’s been in as far back as I can remember. The guy SpongeBob, who called in, who’s got me back on the carnivore kick. This shit’s working. Yeah, not all meat, but pretty close. When I was in Newport, I did have, I don’t know, while I was there, I didn’t want to tell you guys this, but I don’t know, probably anywhere between five and 50 shots of tequila. But other than that, pretty much just all meat. Couple fuckups, but nothing crazy. Nothing crazy at all. At one time, maybe I had a piece of broccoli another time, maybe I had a handful of cashews, but I’ve been pretty, like yesterday when I drove up the other day, that was hard, but all I ate was meat. Carnivore is working. It’s crazy working.


It’s crazy. And here’s this other thing. I’ll be completely honest with you. I don’t want to work out. I have been working out, but I went probably the longest I ever remembered not working out. When I was in Newport, I went like three days. I mean, I’m crazy active, but wow. Hey. So I think it’s been like three or four weeks of just meat and tequila and now I’m home. So last night I didn’t drink tequila and probably I won’t drink any alcohol now for a long time. I have a feeling the next month is going to be crazy and it’s just tequila and water. You do know alcohol is a carcinogen. I didn’t know that. I just know it’s bad for you. I just know it’s bad for you. Yeah, meat and tequila diet.


It’s almost been exclusively cow. 99% cow. One time we went out to dinner and when we go out to dinner, I don’t eat anything. I just sit there. I just order tequila and water. But one night went out to dinner and they brought us a complimentary, what’s that thing that’s in the glass saucer with all the chopped up pieces of fish in it, ceviche or something. And if there was a piece of fish in there and it was the shape of a cube and I took one cube out and I ate it and it tasted lemony, so I probably got some lemon juice too.


Alcohol is sugar. Okay, well fine. I’m just telling you. I’m just telling you what I’m doing, buddy. Just telling you meat and tequila, not even vodka tequila from che ceviche is Italian for pussy salad says not a taxidermy deer. Well, it must be weird to listen to this show because you can’t tell some of these names are so weird. No, it’s okay. I don’t mind the haters. I shouldn’t be drinking. I definitely shouldn’t be drinking, but I’m very compassionate with myself. I’m very accepting, very compassionate. Make sure you eat organ meat too. I haven’t done any organ meat yet. More meat fat though than I’ve ever eaten in my life. The other time I went, I did this. I was basically just eating hamburger meat. Now I’m almost eating no hamburger meat. Eric Uley helping me justify the tequila. I hear tequila doesn’t have the same effects on the bitty body, like other sugar-based alcohols. I don’t remember the specifics. Yeah, that’s why I switched to tequila. I heard that it was the best one if you’re going to do one. So I was like, okay, I’ll just have tequila and water caved Astro, get on 200 milligrams of TRT while you’re at it. Do you do that cave? Do you take some supplements like that? Dude, I will not use nicotine. Jesus crimey.


Emily will be on in seven minutes it looks like. I just saw that the CrossFit games athletes are getting jerseys. Oh shit. Fuck. Damn it. I wanted to have an affiliate on today this morning. We fucked that up. The show’s getting way more flexible. I don’t know if you’ve guys noticed, but we have multiple guests on at the same time. I’ll pull people on at the last minute, and so it requires more and more. Usually SUSE exclusively does the scheduling for the show, like 99.99%, but all the stuff that’s last minute. I do all the last minute scheduling, so he doesn’t know Emily’s coming on this morning or when I had Jetted Eye on Last Minute or Tater tot Tim Murray or Jethro, who’s had his grand opening. Those are all just last minute and I do those


And I fucked up. Sus was at the gym late last night until fuck 10. He’s got so many fucking programs. It’s amazing. He got a kids program that he’s so dedicated to, and then he is got the police and he’s got the firefighters that you could even say that this podcast is a program of his. He’s got help. The old man with his podcast program. Yesterday, Dave released a week in review and he suggested that I was encouraging Greg to start a competing program with CrossFit. Those rumors have started about a competitive program to CrossFit because Greg has mentioned that his non-compete is up in nine months. You have Emily out there making a lot of content. You have that whatever that affiliate Instagram account is that Caleb showed us yesterday.


And so Dave talked about it, so I thought it’d be cool to bring Emily on and hear her two tidbits about it. Keep the drama going. I tried to get Danielle Brandon on this morning. She told me she can’t do between 6:00 AM and 2:00 PM so I said, okay, how about a nighttime show? So what’s the deal? What do you think? We can bet the bank on her and Mr. Torres we’re doing it and now they’re not doing it. Is that it must be weird, right? Because Torres acts like Cooper Marsh is his friend, and then that’s the guy that’s always stuck to Danielle’s hip and then so he’s probably caught in between the two of them doing what? Oh, black John Young wants to know doing what? You know it’s the sex SEX. They’re no longer doing it. I know. Yeah. They’re no longer caved Astro. You think they had mutual separation?


Hey, Matt Burns. I bet she seduced him just because she seduced the rest of us. You think she seduced him solid thinking? I wonder what that even means, seduced. Is that just a displacement of responsibility? What does that mean? Seduced Like you wake up in the middle of the night and someone’s rubbing your penis. I think that’s the only way you could be seduced is if you were sleeping seduced. Either that or it’s just a seduced is attract someone to a belief or into a course of action. Oh, I’m a seducer. That’s all I do is try to seduce people, sway you to my beliefs. Attract to a belief or into a course of action.


She can’t help it. When Danielle’s in homeostasis, any healthy man is seduced by her. You know what I mean? If you exercise and eat food and then she walks into the room, if you’re healthy, you have eyes or in a nose, she probably smells great too. Hey, you guys probably don’t know this, but that is a huge disappointment to me when I ask him if she smells good and he can’t just be like, I love every scent on her. I think something’s wrong with you as a man. If you don’t love every natural scent on a woman, I think something’s off. You’re not functioning at maximum capacity, maximum discernment, ability, sensation, appreciation, clarity. Yeah, exactly. Look at my fellow Armenian guy. I hate perfume on women. Me too. Hey, if I kiss a woman and I get that bitter thing, like you bit into a banana peel, it’s like, what the fuck do you have on your face? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s going on? Oh, oh, caller shit. Hold on. Caller, hold on, hold on. Geez. A Bluetooth disengage. Disengage. Bluetooth. Oh, that was crazy. Boot caster two on. Hello, caller. Hi. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hey.

Speaker 4 (28:20):

Hey. What’s up?

Sevan Matossian (28:21):

What’s up? Will?

Speaker 4 (28:23):

This is Steve Blacksmith actually.

Sevan Matossian (28:26):

Oh, you’re related to c Chandler Blacksmith.

Speaker 4 (28:29):

I wish. Oh, no, but I think because he’s just a Smith and I’m blacksmith online. Oh,

Sevan Matossian (28:35):

Shit. You guys got each other’s names?

Speaker 4 (28:38):


Sevan Matossian (28:39):

Are you black?

Speaker 4 (28:41):

I’m not. Oh,

Sevan Matossian (28:42):

You fucking stole his

Speaker 4 (28:43):

Name inside me like you.

Sevan Matossian (28:44):

Oh, okay.

Speaker 4 (28:45):

Yeah. No, I’m older than him. He stole my name.

Sevan Matossian (28:48):

Steve V. What’s up? Steve V.

Speaker 4 (28:51):

Yes. Hey, I don’t want to get off the DBE talk, but I wanted to know if he’d be willing to speculate wildly on whether or not Greg would end up with CrossFit again in the near future.

Sevan Matossian (29:05):

I think he ends up getting it for 50 bucks.

Speaker 4 (29:09):

Yeah, right. They still don’t know what they bought, and so they’ll just be like, can you take this back, please?

Sevan Matossian (29:14):

Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. Finances, I do have $174 in my wallet, but I think something happens where they’re able to write it off and just give it back to ’em. But hey, that flies completely in the wind of the theory that it was just bought to kill anyway. But I mean, I completely, I do think at the end of the day, someone buys CrossFit back for $50 and just gives it to Greg and is like, here you go. Sorry. That’s what I think of the Do you think he takes it? I know. Yeah. Yeah. For 50 bucks the For 50 bucks, he totally takes it for 50 bucks. He totally takes it, and then half of the affiliates get put on a life raft and pushed out into the Atlantic. That part.

The above transcript is generated using AI technology and therefore may contain errors.

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