#942 – Aja Barto & Pat Barber | Dad Talk

Aja Barto (00:00):

Oh, I love it. Go blue.

Pat Barber (00:01):

Uh, yeah. I am in my garage, my little garage office corner thing here. It’s funny. Bam. We’re live studio and we’re live

Sevan Matossian (00:09):

Ba We’re live.

Pat Barber (00:11):

Uh, you’re also in your garage, right? Asia?

Aja Barto (00:13):

I am, yes. Same thing. Studio, office, gym, all the above. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Mm-hmm.

Sevan Matossian (00:18):

<affirmative>, um, pat Barber with the, uh, hat on Asia Barto with the, uh, man bun and sev oc in the bottom with the, uh, boy Bun

Pat Barber (00:29):


Sevan Matossian (00:30):

Maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I shouldn’t juxtapose those words.

Pat Barber (00:34):


Sevan Matossian (00:36):

Pat, thanks for coming on last minute, brother.

Pat Barber (00:39):

Yeah, of course. Man. I had a little bit of heads up Asia yesterday text me and told me like, Hey dude, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. And I thought we were talking about something totally different. Um, so <laugh>

Sevan Matossian (00:50):

We can talk about, we can talk about anything.

Pat Barber (00:53):

No, no, no. I mean, I thought he was gonna see me somewhere totally different, like a different podcast and then Oh, oh, oh.

Sevan Matossian (00:59):

He like, no,

Pat Barber (01:00):

Stefan’s gonna reach out. So there was a big mis It was great. It was fantastic.

Sevan Matossian (01:04):

Good. I love miscommunication. Good thing we’re all professional talkers.

Aja Barto (01:07):


Pat Barber (01:08):

One, yeah, for sure.

Sevan Matossian (01:10):

I’m putting on my toe spacers. Some, some shows start with like, you know, uh, Mr. Roger started with putting on, uh, shoes.

Aja Barto (01:17):


Pat Barber (01:17):

Which ones do you

Sevan Matossian (01:18):

Use? I’m complete. I don’t even know from the company called Tow Spacers. Um, it’s the ones Danielle, Brandon uses Pat. Yeah.

Pat Barber (01:26):

Oh, thank God. They’re hers too, right? Those are like harass space. Hers she gave

Sevan Matossian (01:30):

You. Yeah, I snuck into her room and got them. That’s the only reason why they’re wear, I wear them. You wear toe spacers.

Pat Barber (01:38):

I found that I mainly just need the one between my big toe and the toe next to it. So I got this one that’s like a, it’s like a cheap one on Amazon that just slides on the, the second toe and pushes the big toe out just on. And so it’s just, just slides is, it’s just like,

Sevan Matossian (01:51):

Is it a Cochran? It’s Cochran toe spacer.

Pat Barber (01:54):

It’s a dual purpose. Uh, you use it for whatever you wish.

Sevan Matossian (01:57):

Have you ever smelled yours?

Aja Barto (02:00):


Pat Barber (02:00):

No. Uh, no. I can’t say

Sevan Matossian (02:01):

I have <laugh>. Adrian, are you trying to eat right now?

Aja Barto (02:04):

No, man. I got a coffee here.

Sevan Matossian (02:06):

Oh, it looks like you were injecting something.

Aja Barto (02:09):

Yeah, check this out. It’s out. Coffee stir stick. Go everywhere with it. Froth your coffee on the go.

Sevan Matossian (02:16):

Um, I, I, I recently re I I know, I know Pat from just a long history working together. Uh, pat was a CrossFit games athlete, uh, worked at CrossFit hq. We have a long, long, uh, uh, relationship known each other since probably basically 2000, maybe seven or eight. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> and Asia. I also met, yeah, I was a CrossFit games athlete and then recently rekindled, uh, relationship, relationship with, and it’s interesting that this happens, probably unbeknownst to him, because he’s on Instagram and he has kids and, um, people with kids or with any, I guess anyone with passion starts to search out people who also have passion, uh, in, in that same realm. And so we start watching each other and you start trying to like basically plagiarize ideas from them. You’re trying to figure out, okay, how’s this dad work out? What’s he do with his kids on the weekend?


How do him and his wife, uh, you know, have a job? Do they homeschool? Do they not homeschool? Just all you’re, you’re basically trying to plagiarize ideas off of other parents who are, um, who are who, who are in, in the same game as you. So you start to kind of build a relationship with these people, un unbeknownst to them. And then I was very, uh, I was lucky enough to meet, um, Lindsay, who is, uh, one of the owners, if not the owner of Birth Fit, who Asia’s wife. Leah works very close with Leah Bartow. And so I got to have, uh, Leah on the podcast and that was awesome. And that’s when I really realized, oh shit, a lot of our stuff really aligns. And then I thought, oh, it would be fun just to have, uh, Asia on the show and just talk about, um, dad’s stuff. Um, and, and I have some ideas. And then Asia was like, what about Pat Barber? And I’m like, oh yeah, I’ve heard of that guy. And Pat. Pat and Pat actually probably lives Pat. You probably live 10 miles from me.

Pat Barber (04:05):

Yeah, probably, man. Uh, I think we’re pretty close.

Sevan Matossian (04:08):

I live in the country and you live in the sticks. Is that a fair

Pat Barber (04:12):


Sevan Matossian (04:13):

Is that, is that next, that that’s like next level country, right?

Pat Barber (04:17):

I mean, you could say that you, you you live in like, like expensive country and I live in like less expensive country.

Sevan Matossian (04:24):

I mean, you’re really, you’re really out there.

Pat Barber (04:27):

Well, yeah. I mean, I, it feels like you’re way out, but I’m like 20 minutes from the ocean, so,

Sevan Matossian (04:32):

Uh, but but a firetruck can’t get to your house.

Pat Barber (04:36):

<laugh>, A fire, a firetruck could get to my house.

Sevan Matossian (04:38):

It could.

Pat Barber (04:40):

Yeah. For sure.

Sevan Matossian (04:40):

For sure. Oh, not the road that I took to your house,

Pat Barber (04:43):


Sevan Matossian (04:45):


Pat Barber (04:45):

Get it up that it could, we, we’ve pulled a, we pulled a 40 foot trailer up that before.

Sevan Matossian (04:50):

Are you kidding me?

Pat Barber (04:51):


Sevan Matossian (04:52):

Asia. Have you been to Pat’s house?

Aja Barto (04:54):

I have not,

Pat Barber (04:55):

Not yet. I keep telling him to come out, but he won’t

Sevan Matossian (04:58):

Refuse it. Asia, I, I have a hundred fruit trees on my property. Pat probably has the same, pat has one apple tree that gives more fruit than all my trees combined in that weight harvest. <laugh>. That’s the kind of shit that’s going on out there. It’s, it’s country on steroids. It really is.

Pat Barber (05:12):

It’s, it’s definitely country, that’s for sure. I, I’m very fortunate.

Sevan Matossian (05:18):

And how many kids do you have, pat?

Pat Barber (05:21):

A million. Infinity at this point in time? I, no, I have, I have four, uh, four. Four, four boys.

Sevan Matossian (05:29):

They’re all boys. Pat.

Pat Barber (05:30):

They’re all boys. Seven.

Sevan Matossian (05:34):

And, uh, thank you. And, uh, and how many kids do you have? Asia?

Aja Barto (05:37):

I have two.

Sevan Matossian (05:38):

And what are yours?

Aja Barto (05:40):

One boy, one girl.

Sevan Matossian (05:43):

And I have three. Jack.

Pat Barber (05:44):

Good. Jobb.

Sevan Matossian (05:45):

<laugh>. Yeah. And, and I have three boys. God, I’m so curious what it’s like to, uh, to have a girl. Aren’t you curious, pat?

Pat Barber (05:53):

Yeah, I’m super cur. It’s never, I’m never gonna know, but I’m super curious.

Sevan Matossian (05:57):

You’re done.

Pat Barber (05:58):

I’m super done. Yeah. I mean, we were, we were kind of, we were kind of done with three, but then we were like, three was so amazing that we were like, you know what? Let’s do four. Uh, but, but we’re getting a little older. And this last, this last birth was not as, uh, linear as the others. So, uh, it was <laugh> we’re done, put it that

Sevan Matossian (06:16):

Way. It wasn’t just lay down and just be like, okay, have it. Okay. Yeah. Time to go to the park and play.

Pat Barber (06:22):

We had, we had three like totally straightforward births, uh, where it was like, you know, no epidural, go in, do the whole thing, you know, pretty much right on time. Do the, do it as as, uh, as natural as we could. And then this, and it was always at a birthing center. It was never at home. We were never that brave. But, uh, this last one was, uh, placental abruption, like, so went in for a normal thing and then abruption detached from the uterus. My wife lost half her blood nearly died. Emergency C-section, crazy stuff. But,

Sevan Matossian (06:53):

Uh, tell me, uh, placenta, what’s the word you’re using?

Pat Barber (06:57):

It’s a placenta abruption. So it’s basically where the placenta attaches to the mom. Uh, that’s how she provides nutrients to the baby and oxygen and whatnot. And that can actually detach from the, the, the, uh, uterine wall and basically make it so she starts hemorrhaging blood and then the baby has no oxygen. Has no, no nutrients. But that happened, right? While we were, you know, going through labor, it was pretty gnarly.

Sevan Matossian (07:24):

Um, I, I know none of us are doctors, but, um, isn’t after my wife had the kids, then she like, you know, she had, you have the kids, you hold the kid and you think it’s over, and then they give birth to the placenta afterwards. So it wasn’t she supposed to give birth to it anyway, or it just detached to early? Yes. Or, or what?

Pat Barber (07:41):

Yeah, so you’re supposed to give birth to it anyway, but it detached to early. So like while she was laboring, it was, it was, it’s connection was weak and it essentially popped off the wall. Um, so, and it was, it went from like pretty normal in terms of labor. Like everything was like, you know, labor is intense as it is, but like, it went from like, we’re okay to all of a sudden she just hemorrhaged blood. And then the nurse looked at me and like, ran out of the room and like 11 nurses came in. And from that point when she started hemorrhaging to when the baby was out, was six minutes. So like, they pulled everyone out, went in there, like grabbed a bowl knife out, and just, you know, pulled the baby out. And, and, uh, then she had to get four units of blood. Uh, she ended up losing, uh, over half her blood, but it was, uh, yeah, pretty, pretty How

Sevan Matossian (08:28):

Blood can, how much blood can you lose before you’re, you’re dead?

Pat Barber (08:32):

Um, if is

Sevan Matossian (08:32):

Losing half, you’re dead. Like you die if you don’t get blood.

Pat Barber (08:35):

If, if, yeah, pretty much. If, if you don’t, if, well, when you’re, when you’re pregnant, you actually almost double your blood volume. Um, so

Sevan Matossian (08:42):

No shit, I didn’t know that.

Pat Barber (08:44):

Yeah, it, you, you end up adding a ton of blood. Uh, well you don’t, but your wife does, right? Um, and so, and that’s, that’s why women can bleed so much during pregnancy is because they’ve got such a higher blood volume. Um, but, uh, she lost a, a lot of blood and had to get a full transfusion, uh, of four units. So it was, uh, <laugh>. It was, it was not, not pleasant, but we’re like, we’re like, Hey, you know what? The, let’s just be a sign that we’re done. Now

Sevan Matossian (09:12):

Li listen to this. Um, uh, this is Google, so who knows if it’s true, but we’ll go with it. In a healthy adult, there’s an average of 4.5 to 5.5 liters of blood circulating at any given time. Most adults can tolerate to lose up to 14% of their blood. So, so your wife was basic. She was basically gonna die if, if there wasn’t a medical intervention,

Pat Barber (09:31):

Totally. If we would’ve had that birth at home, both my son and my wife would’ve died. Um, and like, and I know that home births are a thing and people love ’em, and that’s great power to you. For, for us, we always went to a birthing center over at Sutter, uh, and it was just like,

Sevan Matossian (09:45):

I’ve heard nothing but good shit about that, by the way. Not, not one bad experience over there.

Pat Barber (09:50):

Yeah, man. It’s, it’s a wonderful place. And we’ve had, we’ve, we’ve had four kids there now and, and, uh, it was, uh, very thankful that we were there. <laugh>, scary

Sevan Matossian (09:58):

Stuff. Dr. Barber, uh, bringing it, uh, pat is the Bradley Cooper of CrossFit. Um, and uh, Shawn says a partial abruption. Okay, wait, whatever, abruption. Oh, okay. Here we go. Uh, Sean, uh, my wife, oh, he is an expert too. My wife had an abruption at, at week 12.

Pat Barber (10:17):


Sevan Matossian (10:17):

Crazy. Uh, this baby we had last week, so week 12. Oh God. I wonder what happens then.

Pat Barber (10:23):

So he was saying, actually that was, he, he then followed that up with partial abruption. So it must have slightly detached from the, the place wall. Okay. So my wife had the, the, the full, full abruption.

Sevan Matossian (10:32):

Okay. Sorry Shaun. I read it backwards. So hers was able to heal, maybe coagulate and scab back up and reattach

Pat Barber (10:40):

<laugh>. I don’t know if it’s, that’s a pretty graphic imagery, but I, I probably just was, uh, weighing anglin and hanging off for a little bit there.

Sevan Matossian (10:47):

Oh, good thing. We have Asia here. He’s an expert. Asia. Can this happen to a pregnant man as well? Uh, Asia will weigh in on all the controversial <laugh>. Oh,

Pat Barber (10:54):

Poor boy. Up in this. I don’t believe it could.

Sevan Matossian (10:56):

All right, well, there you go. Uh, thank you for the valuable question. Uh, is your, but this is totally not the way this show is supposed to start, but is your wife still, when did that happen? How, how long ago?

Pat Barber (11:08):

Six months. Uh, so December 3rd,

Sevan Matossian (11:10):

Does she have her, uh, skin color back? Does she look normal again?

Pat Barber (11:14):

She does look normal again. I mean, she got

Sevan Matossian (11:15):

Three, is she yellow for a while?

Pat Barber (11:18):

She was definitely pale and my wife is very, uh, very tan. Uh, and so she was <laugh>, she was quite pale for a bit. And then, uh, she got, uh, three units of blood right in the moment, um, from Dominican, which was kind of a miracle. That was all there. And

Sevan Matossian (11:32):

She got one unit. What’s unit? What’s a unit? A liter?

Pat Barber (11:35):

I actually don’t know in terms of measurement, but I, I, I know it’s quite a bit to, to get four total. Uh, so she ended up getting four and it was, uh, it was, it was, uh, a, a sketch experience to say the least.

Sevan Matossian (11:48):

<laugh>. Oh, it, it sounds like it’s half a liter. 525 milliliters.

Pat Barber (11:51):

There you go.

Sevan Matossian (11:53):

Wow. Um, my wife had a miscarriage, um, and like any good husband, she started bleeding and I didn’t want her to make a mess in the house, so I put her in the bathtub. And right when I went and checked on her later, uh, she was starting to go unconscious. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So I took her to the hospital and, uh, she wasn’t nice, the nice in. Right. Are

Pat Barber (12:14):

You, that was super kind of you to Yeah. Actually end up taking her to the hospital. I appreciate

Sevan Matossian (12:19):

Your, during the middle of UFC 1 94 and I had pay perview it, so I was really pissed. No, I’m joking. I don’t remember if it was fighting <laugh>. Anyway, she was yellow. She, I mean, she lost a shit ton of blood pulled, the bathtub was filling with blood and she was yellow for probably six months. Oh, wow. She, she, yeah, she just didn’t have her color. That’s especially around scar tissue, you know, like places where she had scar tissue or surgeries or knee surgery or whatever. It was a trip. It took her a fucking long time to get her color back. I guess you need, you need good blood. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, it’s good for you.

Pat Barber (12:48):

<laugh>. Yes. And blood is important.

Sevan Matossian (12:52):

Um, my, my entire life, I never felt, um, like, like any, anyone really. I guess maybe I felt like, I would say I was like an Armenian boy or like I knew who my parents were, but I never would be. Or like I knew I was in the sixth grade or, you know, when I turned seven, I would tell people I was seven, but I was never like, Hey, I’m a soccer player, or Hey, I’m a guitarist, or I was never anything. I never had any strong identity. Maybe my identity was rooted in feelings that my parents loved me, but when I had kids, that was the first time in my life very quickly I was like, holy fuck, I’m a dad. Mm. Like I, I straight up, I don’t know if I own that shit, but it was given to me. I felt the impact of it.


And, um, it’s the most, um, fictional role that I’ve ever bonded with that, that I’ve ever like, embraced. Like when my kid’s call me dad, like I own, like I am that I’m playing that I can’t, even though I, I can’t get out of it. I, I, and I love it. Like I’m just fully embraced it. Do you, do you, Asia, do you have, I know you were more of an athlete and you probably earned some things earlier on in your life, but do you remember that being different when you had kids and just being like, oh fuck, I’m a dad. Like

Aja Barto (14:06):

Yeah, I, there was, there was a moment where I was like looking at my father who, you know, 20 years older than me and imagining like, okay, that’s my dad. And now I’m that to some someone else. And it’s funny cuz it’s like when you have your birth, they hand you the baby and there’s no instruction manual. You go home with it and you’re like, all right, now I have to keep these, these children alive. But, and it’s a big responsibility shift. And I, you know, I competing and playing professional sports and all those things, like I was always, you know, fond of my role within sports and whatnot. But, um, moving into becoming a father is, is something that they don’t provide you assistance, guidance, help, instruction, manual with you just kinda have to figure out as you go along. But then you seek out other fathers like yourself and you mirror what they’re doing, or at least seek information and guidance from there. And you just kind of, kind of wing it as you go along, find out what works, keep it, things that don’t do away with it.

Sevan Matossian (15:02):

Are, are there things that you do during the day? Like when I pull up to the house and I see trash outside, like, and I, and I’ll go, I’ll stop the car. Like before I pull into the driveway to pick up the trash, I’m like, yep, this is dad shit. Like, even just little things like that, I’m like, yep, this is what my dad would’ve done. He’d have picked up the cigarette butts that someone threw in front of the house, or you want to go to bed, but there’s dirty clothes on the floor in someone’s room and you’re in there picking that shit up and you’re like, it’s like, almost like you don’t even recognize yourself. You’re like, who is this guy?

Aja Barto (15:29):

Yeah, I mean those, you know, those are odd things that your dad did.

Sevan Matossian (15:33):

Right, right. And that’s what I mean, model. But I would’ve never done it as a kid. I just would’ve run by by him and been like, sucker, you know what I mean? Like,

Aja Barto (15:40):

I do a lot of those things too, to just kind of mirror the role that I want my, my kids to see. You know, you mentioned, hey, this is stuff that I saw my dad do when I was younger and now these are things that you’re doing as well. Yeah. And so we might do the same, right? We’re on a walk within our neighborhood and I’m picking up trash, taking care of like our neighborhood, our block, right. And hopefully modeling that thing, that action for him that he can do down the road. But just, you know, doing the right thing, being an integrist human being. And, uh, and like leading the family, how you would presume you’d want to or how your father did.

Sevan Matossian (16:12):

Is, is that the strongest thing you’ve ever felt is, is being a dad, like the, the, the, the most, um, I don’t know, role i, I guess role, you know, to use that Shakespeare said something like, we’re all actors, you know, coming and going on the stage. Do you feel like dad’s the one you’ve most rooted in? Does this question even resonate with you? What I’m saying,

Aja Barto (16:37):

I think what, what I’m, what I’m resonating with is just the responsibility that comes with it. And I think that, I wouldn’t say that I’ve felt like the strongest role when I had children, but I think I’ve never had a greater responsibility than when I brought children in this world. Like understanding how to take care of them, how to be the role model that you wanna be for them. And a lot of those things you don’t know upon children coming into this world, but it’s stuff that you walk into and you realize, oh shit. Like I have to set the example for them. And a lot of it doesn’t necessarily change with how I’ve carried myself and how I’ve lived my day to day. But you know, you’ve got these two human beings that start very, very small and growing on up. You want to make sure that you take care of them, you know, financially that you’re able to, um, support them. You’re pro you’re, you’re able to provide for them. So responsibility was a big thing that I stepped into that I don’t think I’ve ever had a greater responsibility. I think that’s obvious. Any father that stepped into this, that’s the biggest thing with having children.

Sevan Matossian (17:36):

What’s would, oh, sorry, go ahead Pat.

Pat Barber (17:38):

I think it’s just one of the most confronting things that happens to you, uh, depending on where you’re at in life when you have a child is just like, you know, you might identify as the role as like, I am, yeah. I’m a dad now because that’s inherent in the fact that you now have a child. But, um, I think in that moment, at least for me, I still wanted to be myself. I still wanted to be like an individual who’s like, yeah, no, I’m still important and very important to myself. And, and you realize in that moment when you have a kid that you’re less important than your responsibility to your children. And that’s the first time. Like your wife is your wife and, and oftentimes they’re another adult human being. But when you have a child that’s like slaps you in the face with like, I’m no longer the most important thing to me anymore. And for me, that was, that was a big transition. That was something I fought for like three years before I embraced it. And that was when I like kind of brought it on and was like, okay, now I’m a dad. Yeah.

Sevan Matossian (18:33):

And, and then embrace that. What’s it look like when you fight at Patt? Gimme an example. What’s that look like?

Pat Barber (18:37):

Well, I mean the, the initial, I mean, Asia can speak to this and you can’t as well. Like when you have a child like those first, the first year, you’re kind of useless. Like you can change diapers. Yeah, you can, you can help your wife out, but like, you don’t give life to this thing. You, your

Sevan Matossian (18:50):

Support, your support, you’re not dunking at all for sure. You just pass bringing the water pass

Pat Barber (18:55):

Balls and battles and you don’t get into love. You don’t have any sort of like

Sevan Matossian (18:57):

Fill the ball up with air

Pat Barber (18:59):

Pretty much. And then like, until they start like looking at you and you know, like, like having this interaction, it takes, it takes a while for that to some people take it right on, you know, like, and just pick it up. But, uh, for me it was like, I fought it and it was a struggle and I was like, I was frustrated that I wasn’t getting sleep and I was thought, you know, like it was just being a self-absorbed little prick like I was for most of my life. And, uh, the sooner I let go of that, the the more enjoyable the entire parenting experience was. And that was when I really embraced like fatherhood and was like, this is a, this is a hefty role. Like right when it comes out, you’re a dad, but like <laugh>. But, but, but once you kind of give in to the whole, like, this is not about you anymore, it’s about something else. That’s to me, when you become a father,

Sevan Matossian (19:45):

How, how do you let go? How, what do you have to do to, um, what do you do to accept it or to let go or quit fighting? Because, and why, why let go? Because it’s a losing battle. Why, why not just keep, you know, down the path? You call it being a prick, but why not keep just going down that path? Fight it.

Pat Barber (20:03):

Well, because I, I think letting why let go, letting go is, is about, is to me about accepting the, the present versus, you know, being frustrated that you’re no longer able to go out and do whatever you want. Um, so letting go and accepting how difficult things are makes it that much more enjoyable. It’s the same thing as like, if you’re fighting, if you’re doing a workout and you’re like fighting it whole time being like, I hate this, this is bad. Like it’s gonna be bad, but like, if you’re like, yeah, we’re here, I made this choice, we’re doing this, and it’s, it’s that much more enjoyable. And then when weird or terrible stuff happens, you can, you can embrace it a little bit easier. So that letting go makes the whole experience that much better. That’s what I mean by letting

Sevan Matossian (20:42):

Go. Uh, I’m gonna give an example and, uh, I think Asia and Pat will agree this is every once you have kids, this is, my kids are six and eight and this is how everything goes. And so I think, I think this is what Pat means. Uh, you go to the coffee shop, um, everyone’s behaving, everything’s great. You get to the counter, you order your food, um, their food comes, it’s now been 15 minutes. You’ve ordered all the food, you got everyone’s seat in their seats, you have their napkins, everyone, you’ve taken everyone to go to the bathroom. You’re finally about to sit down and drink your coffee. And, um, someone knocks your coffee over <laugh>. And then, and then, and then the, you look and there’s 15 people in line. But, and then it’s time to go. Cuz you gotta take someone to a soccer game and you don’t get your coffee.


And I think what Pat is saying is that you ha at that point, you have, you have to figure out how, how am I gonna, that’s every day <laugh>. And so if you don’t figure out how to enjoy that, you’re just gonna fight that. You’re gonna walk to the car angry. Right? That’s what you’re basically saying. Like, you’re just just about to leave the house. You’re so excited. Your wife’s got everything and, and your kid runs by you and shit’s on the floor and your wife’s breastfeeding over here. And you’re like, well, I guess I’m not going to the movies right now. I’m gonna clean shit on the floor. Yeah. And if you don’t learn to enjoy that, you’re fucked. Right? That’s what you mean. You have to just be like,

Pat Barber (21:52):

Yeah, that’s it. That’s it. I mean, and I, and, and I think, but yeah,

Sevan Matossian (21:56):

It’s crazy.

Pat Barber (21:56):

Once you do, it’s crazy. It’s, it’s fantastic though. Yeah. I it’s, I mean I you can I agree. I can speak to that. It’s like once you accept how shitty a lot of it is, it’s really wonderful

Sevan Matossian (22:07):

<laugh>. Right, right,

Pat Barber (22:08):

Right, right. I love, I love it. Like I’ve never felt a stronger identity, like you’re saying, than being a father. Uh, and it makes everything else seem pretty trivial.

Aja Barto (22:17):

I think it’s also understanding that it’s not short-lived. Right. We’re in this for the long haul. Yeah. So, you know, it’s in embracing the steps along the way, but also understanding that like, I’ve got two choices. I can either suffer through this and make this terrible and make this about myself and be very like, self-consumed, or I can like understand that life is just going to be different for the now and for the future, and let’s make the best of it. And I think it also comes down to the individuals that are making that decision too. Like, we’re all very obviously more similar than we’re different, but we’re unique individuals and how we think, how we act, how we, you know, the values that we believe in, and not every father is gonna say and speak on the things that we are. A lot of the fathers are gonna say, you know what, I’m gonna remove myself. You know what, I’m not gonna deal with this. I’m gonna, I’m gonna continue to stay self consuming, whatever it is. So it takes a unique individual to be able to say, you know what, I’m just gonna embrace the journey, understand what’s going on, and really make the best of the best of it.

Sevan Matossian (23:12):

Pat, how did you figure out, um, how, how did you figure that out? What Asia is talking about and what you were talking about? How do you figure out? Um, because for me, it, it, for me, what you’re saying is like, I, I’m, I fight that every single day. It’s not, so it’s not, I wouldn’t say it’s so much that I’m a self-absorbed prick. It’s that I start getting in these schedules, right? I get in like anytime I’m in a rush, I start falling out of the present, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative> and how, so I’m always reminding myself, like, if I get off at the wrong exit, and now I’m in traffic and we’re gonna be 15 minutes late to an appointment, I have to myself, Hey dude, you’re arguing with reality again. How did you catch yourself and someone, did someone tell you, Hey dude, you gotta just accept the present? Or were you just so frustrated you were looking for an out from your moods?

Pat Barber (23:58):

Yeah, I think it was, it was a frustration thing. It was like, I, I realized that that like, I was not happy and I was pretty miserable even though I had so many things going for me. And it was just this, and it was like even things that were previously fantastic, like my relationship with my wife, you know, it was, it was something to where I was letting the, I was letting the circumstance dictate how I felt and, and, uh, <laugh> and, you know, how I moved through life and, and I was just trying to be something I wasn’t anymore. Whether it be a, a elite level competitor and sacrifice for that time, or whether it go out and, you know, play, go surfing whenever I wanted to. It was just like, that’s not where I’m at anymore. Yeah. And I, I I, it, it, it also, as my kids started to age my first Son Oaks, who’s 10 now, um, holy shit, shit,

Sevan Matossian (24:46):


Pat Barber (24:47):

10. Isn’t that wild? Yeah. 10, 7, 5, 4 and six months. But, uh, the, he started exhibiting my negative symptoms or like the things that were shitty about me, even at three years old, he started holding up this little mirror of like, this is how you act, dad.

Sevan Matossian (25:05):

Oh yeah. And you’re like, yeah, yeah,

Pat Barber (25:06):

I see that. Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool <laugh>.

Sevan Matossian (25:07):

And so that was the

Pat Barber (25:09):

Responsibility of like, oh, this is like, you don’t listen to what I say, you act how I act. So that became so, uh, huge in my face that it’s like, I’m, I shouldn’t be doing <laugh>, I shouldn’t be acting this way like I’m an adult. Like the difference between you and me is I can, I can rationalize this and change this in my head. You are just modeling what you see. So that, that made it so I, I had to be different. So that was, that was one of the bigger things that made me shift and it’s made every piece of parenting since then a lot better.

Sevan Matossian (25:41):

Um, uh, Asia, when you, when you met your wife, did you guys know you were gonna have kids?

Aja Barto (25:46):


Sevan Matossian (25:47):

No. No.

Aja Barto (25:49):

And I’ve always been, I I I tell this story oftentimes, but I, I never saw myself as a father. Yeah.

Sevan Matossian (25:53):

And I know me neither.

Aja Barto (25:55):

When, when we, when we got

Sevan Matossian (25:57):

Into, oh, none of us, none of us ever thought saw ourselves as fathers. Interesting. Wow. Wow. Not, I didn’t even see it as a little bit, you guys, not even a little bit, huh?

Pat Barber (26:05):

I mean, I, I thought I’d probably have kids at some point, but I never envisioned what that experience was gonna be like. I was like, yeah, I probably have kids. Um,

Sevan Matossian (26:12):

I, yeah, I didn’t even think I’d have kids. I I was actually against having kids.

Aja Barto (26:16):

Yeah. Makes sense. I wasn’t against it, but it wasn’t something that I saw within my future. Okay. But, you know, you fall in love with somebody and you care for them. You know more than you care for yourself or you care for the world and you want what’s best for the family. And if they’re like, listen, I love you, you love me, and if we’re gonna stay together, like this is what I want for our life, you have to make a compromise.

Sevan Matossian (26:35):

And she wanted kids. Your wife wanted kids. Yeah. And, and then so you ac you acquiesce, you’re like, okay.

Aja Barto (26:43):

Yeah. And you know, it’s, it’s a, it’s a push pull. Hey, I want children. Okay, well, we have to make sure that we are, you know, financially stable. We’re in the right position to do it. We’re, we have to be at the right time. We have to, you know, collaboratively make this decision versus, Hey, I want kids. Cool, let’s have kids. Like we, we, uh, we assess the situation and, and I think we intelligently had children at the times that we did. Um, and, uh, you know, when I first met her and when we first started dating in 2010 like this, this wasn’t even a conversation. But as we got more serious and we got married, we always knew these things about her versus the conversations that we’ve had. But I think as we got went along, our relationship and our relationship developed, we took the appropriate steps within a relationship. We got to the point where it was a feasible time to do it. We did it.

Sevan Matossian (27:29):

How long did you know her before you had kids?

Aja Barto (27:32):

Um, almost a decade. About,

Sevan Matossian (27:38):

Um, pat, um, did you know, uh, when you, when you met your wife, did you get married and know that you guys were gonna have kids and all that? How did that plan come about?

Pat Barber (27:46):

Well, we, we, we got together in 2009, um, at the games as you know, that was super fun. And then we ended up, um, moving back to Santa Cruz in 2012. And we had just started thinking about having children. We weren’t married yet. We were engaged, but

Sevan Matossian (28:05):

We were gonna get married. Did you kiss in my Did you kiss in my motor home?

Pat Barber (28:08):

I never kissed in your motor home. Okay. Uh, it was, it was the year after the motor home, so Okay. I think it was 2000. Didn’t you have the motor home in 2008

Sevan Matossian (28:16):

Or and nine was that you’re talking about in aromas? You met her in Aromas? Yes.

Pat Barber (28:20):

Wow. Well, she came to Santa Cruz. She, she came and stayed with me for a week in Santa Cruz that year. Um, and then we kind of fell in love and did the whole thing with Yeah, no, it was great. I can tell you that story if you want to, but the, the, the, uh, we, I didn’t, we didn’t like plan it really, it was just kind of like, we were like, let’s, let’s, let’s think about having kids. And then she, she, I moved back to Santa Cruz and she came back like two weeks later and we then did the thing that you do after you haven’t seen each other for a little bit. Uh, and it was very passionate and amazing. And she was like, Hey, by the way, I stopped taking birth control. And I was like, I should’ve, I’ve been nice. If you told me that before.

Sevan Matossian (28:57):

<laugh> like

Pat Barber (28:58):

38 seconds ago, <laugh>. Um, and, and she, and uh, that was, that was the one and done for our first son of, of getting pregnant and

Sevan Matossian (29:05):

Going. And you weren’t and you weren’t married yet?

Pat Barber (29:07):

We weren’t, no, we were engaged. So during our, during our wedding, she has this giant pregnant belly, which is pretty awesome. <laugh>

Sevan Matossian (29:14):

Uh, Eaton Beaver. Uh, good morning, pat Rock, the shaved head. You have a shaved head pat? I

Pat Barber (29:20):

Do. Dude. Going bald. So shaved it

Sevan Matossian (29:22):

Off. Oh, nice. You shave it yourself.

Pat Barber (29:25):

I shave it myself. I can’t pay for that.

Sevan Matossian (29:27):

Yeah, fair. I don’t got that kinda, uh, men talking about birth. The ladies from the View would be so proud.

Pat Barber (29:33):

Well, thank you. Thanks Bull boy.

Sevan Matossian (29:34):

Thank you. Uh, Asia Freaking Bartow. C The House CTP camp. Well that’s a fucking awesome logo.

Aja Barto (29:44):

It is a cool logo.

Sevan Matossian (29:46):

Um, uh, TLB, uh, at Asia Bartow.

Aja Barto (29:49):

It’s my dad right there, <laugh>. That is Oh wow. Pop’s paying 20 bucks to slide that in there,

Sevan Matossian (29:53):

Huh? Yeah, he’s a good dude. What’s that t right there?

Aja Barto (29:57):

What is it? Yeah, I think, I think it’s just a random photo of a.

The above transcript is generated using AI technology and therefore may contain errors.

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